Lost in Picking a Path

      First off, I noticed that I get so many views from people out of my country and I can't express how happy it makes me. I was so afraid after I sent off my first post and broadcasted it on all my social media platforms; that it would just be me talking it out to myself. I am so happy that I can reach people from all over. Although I started writing for myself to help with the depression and pain I felt, I secretly hoped I could reach people all over the world. I share my story of how I'm existing in this frustrating world to help people know that they aren't alone and they never have to be. Whether it gets better tomorrow or in a few years the change has to start with you wanting to wholeheartedly give in to put good karma out. Alright, I'll stop with the sappy "wish" and change the subject. If you need help in any way write a comment don't be afraid. It's harder to deal with things alone.

      Okay, so now onto the topic I planned for this post. I am really having trouble deciding what I want to do with my life, at least career-wise. I truly want to be a writer and publish a book or several. On the other hand, I feel blocked and distracted, I've started working on a new project using Wattpad. I will leave a link to my profile if you want to try and read it.

     I have also started a small sticker business that doesn't have a site yet but it's keeping me busy. Where I live I have been struggling to get a job and with everything going on it has made it ten times harder. I just want to make things happen and move forward but it's becoming so hard to have a positive look when all I keep hearing is "when are you going to get a job?" or "are you even looking?" This is my bio family that's dropping these comments. My boyfriend is being so supportive by reminding me that it takes time and he's looking too. Although he doesn't mind a work from home job, he's admitted that he would like me to have a physical one so he can go and bug me occasionally at work. It's sweet.

    The only thing is that I don't have what they are looking for despite using all my knowledge of how to present myself. I just want my anxiety to go away. Being around people makes me so anxious now. I start with a boost of confidence then my anxiety creeps in and just punches me square in the face. Who knows maybe I do need to try talking to a psychiatrist again, one who won't make me feel like they are patronizing. I can't do sympathy it makes me angry and talking makes me angry because I don't understand most of the time. doing this, writing helps tremendously. It makes me feel safe to say whatever I am really feeling. That's it for this post, see y'all soon.


link for Whirlwind on the Wattpad profile.

Realizing I am safe

        I hadn't realized how far I have come from when I started writing until a conversation occurred. My father asked my partner how he felt about his bad habits; the same that I had except at a much worse point. My dad said that his habits are who he is and we all went quiet. Prior to that, my father asked me the same question, "how did I feel about his habits?" I told him that at this point in my life I don't like it but I don't care about it anymore. I've seen him, my mother, and friends do these habits and it has made me feel that this is the only normal I will ever have in life. With my partner, he has made me realize that I don't need that to be my normal and that I am safe from it.

        He has brought me from those depths with his love and understanding. I don't want to put him on a pedestal but I am sure that if we hadn't started dating I would not be in the place I am today. He reminded me that I have been sober for almost two years. January, in fact, will be the anniversary of my sobriety. I never thought I would be able to say that after how long I was addicted to that lifestyle. A plus to this is that I can feel emotions very clearly. I don't have a fog that covers my mind when I start feeling things. The funny thing is now the only problem is that I need to create a filter for myself on how to properly handle and express these emotions effectively. 

       Well, I think that is all I wanted to share for this post. I hope one-day people will come to me and share how they have overcome things in their life. I just want to help people and let them know that they aren't alone and never will be.

Call Me Crazy

Here lies a quick warning for those who are easily offended. Stop reading now and move on with your clear intentions of entertainment.

Now onto today's post.
I am currently taking a women's studies course in college and it has brought me mixed feelings throughout the semester. When I started I thought easy class then it went to this is bullshit. Now I feel a little more open and ready to place myself into what someone may be feeling. On the other hand, there are many things I am not happy with. For one I just read a chapter of a book that discusses slasher films. This really bugged me and I felt I needed to talk about it even if it is to myself. I found that it kept saying the same thing over and over. Slasher films feature women as an interpretation of male sexual confusion and pretty much mommy issues. Keep in mind that this is mind first impression of what I read and I can be wrong but it just made me so angry that this book itself features only the films with leading roles or killer as male. If they were to name any of the other MANY horror films that have women featured as the killer they would find that these women are not portrayed as masculine but quite feminine. they hold themselves the way they want and act both genders when required. 

Here's a link for a list of movies with females in the killer role: https://www.imdb.com/list/ls031962008/

Now watch some of those movies and just think of how complex these lady killers are and how strategic they are on not just getting revenge but the sheer pleasure they get from their own acts. If you can try to watch one of my favorite movies Basic Instinct. Just take a look and tell me do they have a unisex name? Are they tomboys? Do they do things for themselves or for revenge? I want to know your thoughts.

Adjustments

I am trying to pull myself together and get all my pieces in place, but I keep getting pushed back. I guess the saying, "one step forward, two steps back" really meant more than I thought. So my partner hadn't called me after work like he usually does and at first, I thought maybe they got tied up or he might be stuck in traffic. I was wrong on both. An hour or so later he messaged me saying he was hanging back talking with his coworkers. I completely lost it. I acted normal to him but I lost my composure. I'm sitting in my room watching videos while I wait (we have this routine I got used to). An hour passed and he hadn't called, texted, nothing just no word. I lost my mind trying not to think of the bad things that could have happened. I had to remind myself that he's fine. I am just over-reacting. The truth is that I don't even know why I am upset. I just hated the idea of something happening to him. After he messaged me I burst into tears. I had no restraint, I just let them fall. I was angry, relieved, and sad. Mostly to myself for not just relaxing.

Either way, It brought me to the one thing that has ever calmed me down. My writing. Here I am telling just about nobody that I am upset and that I hate myself for feeling emotions. I really wished I could turn it off now that I know what they are like. I want to feel nothing. I don't even know if I would ever be able to tell him. It's either tell him and make him feel bad or not tell him and add it to the list of things I don't want to talk about because they are petty and pointless. I want to communicate but there are some things better left unsaid. 

New Way of Thinking

       I haven't blogged in awhile because I've put myself out there and learned new things. Today's blog is going to be quite short, sorry.

      The emptiness that I once felt is almost nearly gone. I get little moments of it here and there, but to battle it I spend time with those who make me genuinely happy. Doing so has done wonders for my life I feel like I don't have to fake a smile or laugh. My depression has mostly dissipated. Sadly there are days that I feel like what's the point, but this kind of stuff takes time.

P.S. I am in a new relationship. This one is much healthier.

Shining Bright

     I'm slowly making myself feel better. I will honestly say that I still here thoughts that tell me negative things, but I can push those to the deepest recesses of my mind. I can become stronger and I can be who I chose. Last night my mom came home drunk and I started to feel bad about myself because she said I'm just like her and she hopes I will be able to be just like her when I am older and honestly I don't want to be her, but I don't want to start problems so I hold my tongue. 

     People will always put me down when they feel like they need to feel better about themselves so I'll let them say what they wish because I am perfect with all my little imperfections. I can't help, but smile at other peoples suffering when they hope to see me be like that. I will stand taller each day that passes and make people envy my ability to stay positive and kind. Just don't cross me or feel the wrath of my uncontrollable anger. I can be wicked and crossed or I can be kind and loving. After all I am a Gemini. 


Love R. 

An Unpredictable Change

     Sometimes I wonder, "what the hell am I doing with my life?" Then I start to panic and I tell myself I'm nothing. I will change this even if I die doing so I won't let anyone hurt me again. It's weird feeling emotion because it means I am jut like my mom just a little more. Though it's not entirely bad, she's a strong, good woman who can do whatever she puts her mind to. I don't want to be her though, I want to be me and I feel like I can't because I'm always repeating what she does and how she acts. She can be a little impulsive at times and she says things that deeply hurt me in ways I wish they wouldn't.

     I'm starting to feel better, like as me a person. I'm becoming confident in some things again, but other times I fall into the dark because I think of the things I've been through. My past may not have been as bad as it could be, but it was still painful. Now that I'm older I'm starting to have vivid flashbacks that wake me up at night and bring me to fear being alone in the world.

     I don't know why, but I badly just want someone to love me in a way that isn't overpowering, yet possessive. I want to feel like I matter, that I'm not a waste of space. My last boyfriend was an amazing guy, but he didn't understand that I can't just forget my past and some of the things I go through I don't want to talk about because they are too painful. I have a complex mind and my emotions are just the same and I fear that I will never find love that is right. I may say I'm okay, but if you can tell I'm hurt don't just stop trying or even get mad because I can't say it. Some things that go on in my mind are hard to talk about and explain. Like I wrote above; complex mind.