Adjustments

I am trying to pull myself together and get all my pieces in place, but I keep getting pushed back. I guess the saying, "one step forward, two steps back" really meant more than I thought. So my partner hadn't called me after work like he usually does and at first, I thought maybe they got tied up or he might be stuck in traffic. I was wrong on both. An hour or so later he messaged me saying he was hanging back talking with his coworkers. I completely lost it. I acted normal to him but I lost my composure. I'm sitting in my room watching videos while I wait (we have this routine I got used to). An hour passed and he hadn't called, texted, nothing just no word. I lost my mind trying not to think of the bad things that could have happened. I had to remind myself that he's fine. I am just over-reacting. The truth is that I don't even know why I am upset. I just hated the idea of something happening to him. After he messaged me I burst into tears. I had no restraint, I just let them fall. I was angry, relieved, and sad. Mostly to myself for not just relaxing.

Either way, It brought me to the one thing that has ever calmed me down. My writing. Here I am telling just about nobody that I am upset and that I hate myself for feeling emotions. I really wished I could turn it off now that I know what they are like. I want to feel nothing. I don't even know if I would ever be able to tell him. It's either tell him and make him feel bad or not tell him and add it to the list of things I don't want to talk about because they are petty and pointless. I want to communicate but there are some things better left unsaid.