Sometimes I wonder, "what the hell am I doing with my life?" Then I start to panic and I tell myself I'm nothing. I will change this even if I die doing so I won't let anyone hurt me again. It's weird feeling emotion because it means I am jut like my mom just a little more. Though it's not entirely bad, she's a strong, good woman who can do whatever she puts her mind to. I don't want to be her though, I want to be me and I feel like I can't because I'm always repeating what she does and how she acts. She can be a little impulsive at times and she says things that deeply hurt me in ways I wish they wouldn't.
I'm starting to feel better, like as me a person. I'm becoming confident in some things again, but other times I fall into the dark because I think of the things I've been through. My past may not have been as bad as it could be, but it was still painful. Now that I'm older I'm starting to have vivid flashbacks that wake me up at night and bring me to fear being alone in the world.
I don't know why, but I badly just want someone to love me in a way that isn't overpowering, yet possessive. I want to feel like I matter, that I'm not a waste of space. My last boyfriend was an amazing guy, but he didn't understand that I can't just forget my past and some of the things I go through I don't want to talk about because they are too painful. I have a complex mind and my emotions are just the same and I fear that I will never find love that is right. I may say I'm okay, but if you can tell I'm hurt don't just stop trying or even get mad because I can't say it. Some things that go on in my mind are hard to talk about and explain. Like I wrote above; complex mind.
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