The void

The truth

        So there's a part of me no one ever likes, understands, or wants to be around, but I have yet to hold her down. On the inside I am this person all the time, but on the outside I am a normal, fun-loving character. I hate when I have what I call an "episode".

Details

       I know when I'm about to have an episode, so I start to push people away and make sure the people I care about are safe. I hate that I can't tell anyone about this, because I know they won't believe me and they'll think it's all an act. Here is how it goes when I experience an episode:

Stage 1: I start to fidget and become annoyed easily

Stage 2: I become irritable with EVERYTHING

Stage 3: I feel empty inside and lose interest in feeling. At this stage I start to abuse alcohol and drugs to the point I can't feel anymore. I let all interest go and stop talking.

Stage 4: I twitch and tell myself horrible things that make suicides look like child's play. I abuse myself by telling myself in the mirror multiple times that I am "worthless", "unwanted", "nobody likes you, you have no reason to be alive", "undeserving, ungrateful, bastard child," etc. the list goes on. I put myself down so I lose hope and I let my body go numb or basically on autopilot.

Stage 5: The final stage that I try to hold back from the most. I start turning my abuse on others and making them feel like crap. I make them wish they never knew me and stop talking to me. I'm an ugly terrible person that hates herself and everyone around her.

          This isn't the only episode I have, it's just the main one I go through. Once I reach the final stage I lose control of myself and become an even more sadistic person than I usually am. I have no boundaries. I try not to reach that point and when I do I stay locked in my room and hide from everyone. When I'm at home and feel this Even my family doesn't come near me. People sense the anger that controls me. It radiates into a toxic air that people tend to avoid.

         This is my life and I except it, even though I fight it. I hate who I am and who I know I can become.