Falling

The Beginning

         I never believed in love or what it was, but lately my feelings for someone have grown and I assume that's because he knows most of the real me. I don't know how I've been able to repress these feelings, but until one fateful night I can't "push them back into a box," as I like to put it. I've always had feelings for him and he doesn't even notice it. Every time I see him I either want to cry or run up to him and hug him. It sucks because he doesn't feel anything for me that way or at least that's what he says, but when I look into his eyes I see something else, passion.

         It's kind of funny to me that every time I tell someone I like them or something they either avoid me or are already after someone else. I feel like I might be alone forever, but then I think there's bound to be someone out there who can know the real me and make me feel like the past and who I am doesn't matter. Everyone I start to tell about me feels pity, doesn't understand, or thinks I'm out of my mind. Maybe I am, but why does it matter?

         I try not to tell anyone this, but when I find someone I can get close to I start to tell them about the "other" me. I really am two-sided. The girl that everyone thinks I am is one me, but then there's the other side. The other side of me is a lot more primitive as I put it. Sometimes the primitive me wants to take control and she starts to break free, and I start to here voices that tell me to do terrible things. The way it starts is I start to twitch and the voices get louder, then my movements become rigid and quick. Then, my whole body starts to twitch and my spine starts to tingle. I then reach the final stage that I always get to before I can get control again. The final stage is when I calm down and I feel my face start to tingle with little tiny electrical kisses.

         I try not to lose myself, and most of the time I can control her. I don't have a name or code word for her yet, but if you comment a name I should call her I might pick yours.