Breathe

Brake the barrier

So my life is probably going to be complicated forever and that's okay, because when I finally get peace I can look back at what I've been through and be proud that I survived that. Recently I've gained a terrible feeling I was raped as a kid and I suppressed the memory pretty far cause I'm barely realizing this. I guess it makes sense since I've always got a burning, itching sensation at the most random of times. I know the craving is for wanting to be touched, but I never thought more of it. When I realized I had this sensation I was in the middle of almost having sex. We all know I won't say names and if I do they are changed. 

My once very docile attacks are starting to ignite into very dangerous mood changing ones. I thought I had it under control, but I guess I was wrong. It's still the same just more aggressive and it happens a lot quicker. I don't know if I should be scared or just accept it. I assume it's not healthy to have very strong mood swings without warning, but what can I do? 

The void

The truth

        So there's a part of me no one ever likes, understands, or wants to be around, but I have yet to hold her down. On the inside I am this person all the time, but on the outside I am a normal, fun-loving character. I hate when I have what I call an "episode".

Details

       I know when I'm about to have an episode, so I start to push people away and make sure the people I care about are safe. I hate that I can't tell anyone about this, because I know they won't believe me and they'll think it's all an act. Here is how it goes when I experience an episode:

Stage 1: I start to fidget and become annoyed easily

Stage 2: I become irritable with EVERYTHING

Stage 3: I feel empty inside and lose interest in feeling. At this stage I start to abuse alcohol and drugs to the point I can't feel anymore. I let all interest go and stop talking.

Stage 4: I twitch and tell myself horrible things that make suicides look like child's play. I abuse myself by telling myself in the mirror multiple times that I am "worthless", "unwanted", "nobody likes you, you have no reason to be alive", "undeserving, ungrateful, bastard child," etc. the list goes on. I put myself down so I lose hope and I let my body go numb or basically on autopilot.

Stage 5: The final stage that I try to hold back from the most. I start turning my abuse on others and making them feel like crap. I make them wish they never knew me and stop talking to me. I'm an ugly terrible person that hates herself and everyone around her.

          This isn't the only episode I have, it's just the main one I go through. Once I reach the final stage I lose control of myself and become an even more sadistic person than I usually am. I have no boundaries. I try not to reach that point and when I do I stay locked in my room and hide from everyone. When I'm at home and feel this Even my family doesn't come near me. People sense the anger that controls me. It radiates into a toxic air that people tend to avoid.

         This is my life and I except it, even though I fight it. I hate who I am and who I know I can become.

Lost

Stepping Through the Flames

     Sometimes I forget who I am and who I want to be. I get lost in the little bits of life that don't mean anything to me. Yeah I know I'm supposed to enjoy the little things, but I find them pointless and I really don't feel bad that I'm saying this.

     I wanted to start this blog for those who feel lost and alone. I admit that what I write is depressing, but that's only because it's the truth. The truth isn't sugar-coated, happy stories; it's the cold hard truth. So for those are still reading I'm glad you finally want to acknowledge that the truth isn't pretty.

     Here's a story about a little kid who realized that life isn't always a happy-ending book. This kids' name is Dakota, Dakota loved being outside, but Dakota's dad was very strict and didn't like Dakota being outside. One day Dakota went to his/her mom to ask if he/she could go outside, mom said yes, but dad heard and said no. Before Dakota could leave the room her/his dad hit his/her mom and didn't stop. Little Dakota started to cry and ran out of the room afraid. Dakota's happy world crumbled after seeing that and he/she became very depressed. As Dakota grew up he/she became very scared of the world and people. Afraid of getting hurt meant that Dakota had to keep people at distance so she would be safe.  It wasn't enough for the poor soul, he/she had grown up so entrusting that he/she was to afraid to let anyone be close to him/her. She/he spent a lot of time alone, unhappy, and afraid. The end.

    Many people witness something that becomes life altering, and it's not always abuse. Murder, abuse, drinking, drugs, parents separating, and many more things can cause people to become someone that nobody can recognize. That's how life is, if you don't have a "textbook" "stable" environment to grow in, then you will most likely fall victim to change that isn't usually beneficial. Sometimes in rare moments people will be able to push from bad situations and grow to be the strongest people that they possibly can.

Falling

The Beginning

         I never believed in love or what it was, but lately my feelings for someone have grown and I assume that's because he knows most of the real me. I don't know how I've been able to repress these feelings, but until one fateful night I can't "push them back into a box," as I like to put it. I've always had feelings for him and he doesn't even notice it. Every time I see him I either want to cry or run up to him and hug him. It sucks because he doesn't feel anything for me that way or at least that's what he says, but when I look into his eyes I see something else, passion.

         It's kind of funny to me that every time I tell someone I like them or something they either avoid me or are already after someone else. I feel like I might be alone forever, but then I think there's bound to be someone out there who can know the real me and make me feel like the past and who I am doesn't matter. Everyone I start to tell about me feels pity, doesn't understand, or thinks I'm out of my mind. Maybe I am, but why does it matter?

         I try not to tell anyone this, but when I find someone I can get close to I start to tell them about the "other" me. I really am two-sided. The girl that everyone thinks I am is one me, but then there's the other side. The other side of me is a lot more primitive as I put it. Sometimes the primitive me wants to take control and she starts to break free, and I start to here voices that tell me to do terrible things. The way it starts is I start to twitch and the voices get louder, then my movements become rigid and quick. Then, my whole body starts to twitch and my spine starts to tingle. I then reach the final stage that I always get to before I can get control again. The final stage is when I calm down and I feel my face start to tingle with little tiny electrical kisses.

         I try not to lose myself, and most of the time I can control her. I don't have a name or code word for her yet, but if you comment a name I should call her I might pick yours.