Call Me Crazy

Here lies a quick warning for those who are easily offended. Stop reading now and move on with your clear intentions of entertainment.

Now onto today's post.
I am currently taking a women's studies course in college and it has brought me mixed feelings throughout the semester. When I started I thought easy class then it went to this is bullshit. Now I feel a little more open and ready to place myself into what someone may be feeling. On the other hand, there are many things I am not happy with. For one I just read a chapter of a book that discusses slasher films. This really bugged me and I felt I needed to talk about it even if it is to myself. I found that it kept saying the same thing over and over. Slasher films feature women as an interpretation of male sexual confusion and pretty much mommy issues. Keep in mind that this is mind first impression of what I read and I can be wrong but it just made me so angry that this book itself features only the films with leading roles or killer as male. If they were to name any of the other MANY horror films that have women featured as the killer they would find that these women are not portrayed as masculine but quite feminine. they hold themselves the way they want and act both genders when required. 

Here's a link for a list of movies with females in the killer role: https://www.imdb.com/list/ls031962008/

Now watch some of those movies and just think of how complex these lady killers are and how strategic they are on not just getting revenge but the sheer pleasure they get from their own acts. If you can try to watch one of my favorite movies Basic Instinct. Just take a look and tell me do they have a unisex name? Are they tomboys? Do they do things for themselves or for revenge? I want to know your thoughts.

Adjustments

I am trying to pull myself together and get all my pieces in place, but I keep getting pushed back. I guess the saying, "one step forward, two steps back" really meant more than I thought. So my partner hadn't called me after work like he usually does and at first, I thought maybe they got tied up or he might be stuck in traffic. I was wrong on both. An hour or so later he messaged me saying he was hanging back talking with his coworkers. I completely lost it. I acted normal to him but I lost my composure. I'm sitting in my room watching videos while I wait (we have this routine I got used to). An hour passed and he hadn't called, texted, nothing just no word. I lost my mind trying not to think of the bad things that could have happened. I had to remind myself that he's fine. I am just over-reacting. The truth is that I don't even know why I am upset. I just hated the idea of something happening to him. After he messaged me I burst into tears. I had no restraint, I just let them fall. I was angry, relieved, and sad. Mostly to myself for not just relaxing.

Either way, It brought me to the one thing that has ever calmed me down. My writing. Here I am telling just about nobody that I am upset and that I hate myself for feeling emotions. I really wished I could turn it off now that I know what they are like. I want to feel nothing. I don't even know if I would ever be able to tell him. It's either tell him and make him feel bad or not tell him and add it to the list of things I don't want to talk about because they are petty and pointless. I want to communicate but there are some things better left unsaid.